New Year’s resolutions

I wouldn’t say that I hate making New Year’s resolutions. I actually really like the start of a new year. Kinda like the start of a new school year. Brand new clothes, new pencils, new notebooks, all fresh, and not written in and erased and wrinkled. I like fresh starts and new perspectives. The thing I don’t like is the failure. Setting resolutions or goals and only following them for 4-6 weeks then going back to the old habits. I recently read the Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg. It was a very fascinating and practical book. This book has even inspired me to re-evaluate my stance on making resolutions. Like now, I am actually willing to try making some and sticking with them. 

So now, what resolutions would I make? To first answer this, I need to look at myself and my life and see where I would like to improve.

Number one is my marriage: I am not very patient, kind, empathetic or loving at times. (No, really I can be downright mean, ugly and hateful. Sometimes it amazes me that my husband puts up with me and sticks around. Part of me thinks it is because we started and own a business together and he is afraid if we divorced I would get half of it. I guess he might have more of a fear of getting a divorce verses going out of town and being gone more than he is at home). The Power of Habit book in the appendix says there is a loop at the core of every habit:Cue, Routine, and reward. When Jay aggravates, does or says things that make me mad (cue), I respond with anger, sarcasm,harsh words and bad attitude with little humor (routine) and then I feel in control, big, strong, and not put down (reward).  This is the first step to creating new habits. The second step is to experiment with rewards. I could change my reward to understanding my husband, laughing and having a light spirit about myself, realizing and committing to mutual control and respect. Step three is to isolate the cue. This is a little harder for me because it seems like so many things get under my skin and piss me off. The author states “experiments have shown that almost all habitual cues fit into one of five categories:location, time, emotional state,other people,and immediately preceding action”. With that information, I tend to get annoyed more when we are at home and it is either early morning or around dinner time; I am usually tired, fixing dinner, picking kid up from practice and feeling stressed; when Savannah is around I feel the cue more, and finally the preceding action is Jay just being there. Step four is to have a plan. “When I see CUE, I will do ROUTINE in order to get a REWARD”.  When Jay comes home from work and complains that I bought the lime chips instead of the regular or I didn’t measure out exactly one pound of meat for tacos, I will take 5 deep breaths and smile and give him a hug or make a joke in order for him to feel respected and my stress level to decrease and to have a fun, upbeat family.

Wow, that was pretty enlightening to put it all out there into words and into space. Exhausting but I feel good. I have a plan and a goal. I would LOVE to do this with my parenting, friendships, business and communication. Just not tonight !!

Lessons learned from my kitchen remodel

Every year since starting our business,  we tear up, tear down and rebuild a room in our house.  Our home isn’t old per se, it was built in 2001 but when we bought it in 2008, everything was contractor grade. It had awful, short,ugly brown carpet throughout  (and still does in the upstairs ) and don’t get me started on the pine colored kitchen cabinets with the cheapest of the cheap light color $.39 a foot wood laminate. Last year we remodeled the front room and loving room and this year my hubby wanted to tackle the kitchen.  After months of my reluctance because I was scared and clueless,  I relented. Now that I have a functional kitchen again after 8 weeks,  I could not be happier. Here is a before shot with our contractor grade, blah cabinets and awful, cheap $.39 a foot laminate flooring. 

We had a couple of individual cabinet companies come give us bids,  but they just specialized in cabinets and I needed way more help than that.  We wanted new floor, lighting, appliances, paint and fixtures.  I went into our local Lowe’s and saw they had a kitchen designer who would come to your home and measure your room and help you design it.  After calling and leaving 3 messages and never getting a return call,  I decided to hit up Home Depot.  I am not getting paid or any kick back for saying this,  but the local Home Depot and the experience was amazing.  I would highly recommend them to anyone looking to remodel. That,  however is not my intent on writing tonight.

On to the lessons learned. One,  everything does not have to be perfect all the time.  I hate clutter and mess stresses me.  Being without any running water or plumbing on our main level meant coffee pot, coffee mug and electric skillet being left on the stairs landing to be carried upstairs to wash out in my bathtub. Did I mention that Jay thought since we were having tile put in the kitchen,  we should have the same tile put in the downstairs half bath?  Which meant the toilet and sink had to be ripped up.  So I’d put the essential dishes on the stairs to be washed but often would not get around to washing them till late at night.  I just had to remind myself often that there are worse things to be stressed over than a few dishes.

Second, I adore Jay and all his handyman skills, but he often has different priorities then I do.  I would see all the “pretty stuff” that needs to be done and I would be pushing for him to do them. He would see the necessary work and the things that need to be done before you can complete the next step. I am so glad he is an attention to detail person as I tend to be a big picture person. There still is finishing touches that need to be completed but at this rate, they will have to wait until after New Year’s.

Third, it really wasn’t as bad as I thought living without running water and a toilet on our main level. It took about a week to get used to coming in from running errands and having to go pee just to realize I had to haul butt up the stairs to do that.  I wasn’t tied to washing that one single dish that was in the sink just because I could or because it was bothering me that it was in there. I learned to overlook the dishes and clutter, which meant a lot less stress for me.

Finally, I really do like cooking and missed it when I couldn’t.  Granted Smith’s grocery down the street had some really good, already prepared food that all we had to do was heat up in the microwave.

Here are our after pictures

Let’s just pray that I can remember these lessons learned and keep applying them.

Is it bad to snoop on my child

I haven’t been on here writing anything personal for a while. Not because I haven’t had anything to write about. Quite the opposite. There has been so much going on that I have been too busy. However, lately, I feel like I should be writing, sorting through life outloud and getting it all off my chest.

Mother Catches Daughter Using Phone When Meant To Be Studying

Yesterday, my 10 year old daughter, Savannah left her gmail open. Like any good mom, I had to look. I guess I didn’t have to, but in mind I am justified because I am her mom and I have a right to know what she is up to. I am not always a warm, fuzzy, milk and cookies type of parent so I figure she doesn’t tell me a lot. Which is a lesson that I have learned from this. More about that later.

My sweet, innocent, naive little girl has been decieving me. She is still sweet, but not so innocent. She has been stringing two boys on for a few months now. I am not stupid and I know she has had crushes on boys for a few months, but this is “I like him, but I like you more so don’t tell the first boy”. This has created friction between the two boys because they are best friends and between her and a girlfriend who also likes the same boys.  It was a great opportunity for me to teach her the lesson of friends before boys. I am sure I will have to be reteaching that lesson numerous times in the future, but at least she has heard it once.

My other huge learning lesson for me was to be more involved in my daughter’s life. We spend time together, but I have been evaluating whether that time is quality and meanigful. Turns out, it is neither. I learned that I need to really talk and listen, and ask deep probing questions sometimes. I always thought that if she wanted to and needed to talk, she would seek me out,however, she is 10 and doesn’t know what she wants or needs. My job as the mom is to ask about her life, friends, feelings and dreams. I can’t bond with my child if I am distracted by the t.v. or my phone. Those objects belong off and in a different room if I am trying to know my daughter’s heart. It also helps if I tell her my crushes and experiences as a girl to let her see that I am human and so so faulty.

Silence is golden. I have difficulty sitting in silence by myself doing nothing. Left with my thoughts and idle hands is very challenging for me. In the midst of silence and absence of entertainment, maybe Savannah will open up to me. When she can’t avoid me with a book,TV or electronics, maybe she will start talking and I will have enough sense to just sit there and be quiet and listen. The books and experts I have read, tell me this is true so I will have to trust them and try it.

Do I feel bad for snooping on my child and reading her email? NOPE ! Not at all. I am glad I did it and I would and do still spy on her. In my opinion, it makes me a better mom. I have learned how I need to be a better mom and why communication in this digital age is imperative. This has opened opportunities for me to grow and although change is difficult, it is very necessary.

Why I don’t want to be busy anymore

Lately, I have been on a kick to find and have friends. I look around the CrossFit gym and I hear girls making plans with each other to go out on the weekend. I have not been invited. I am seriously okay with it. I understand that I am older (although 38 is still relatively young) than the girls making the plans. The fact that I am not Mormon and am a Christian does not help either. It is like I do not fit in. People in Utah do not know where to categorize me. I am Christian. I do go to church regularly, attend Bible studies and am not afraid of praying in public. But I also love a glass of wine every now and then and I do have a sailor’s mouth. That being said, I can not blame my lack of friends on religion. I accept responsibility for it.

So I have decided I want friends. I have plenty of acquitances, but only a handful of ladies that I would call friends.

I attribute the fact that I am lacking in friends to always being busy. I thought, if I organize parties or church events, I will make friends. I will need ladies to help plan, organize and execute the event, thus friedships will ensue. If I have a party and invite, people they will become my friend. Well, I have been trying this for years and still not many friends. I have been trying to be so busy in hopes that it would gain me friends.

I do think in today’s technology filled world, it is harder to make face to face friends. I mean, why do people need to see, touch and converse with a real live person when they have one thousand plus Facebook friends and/or Instagram followers? I still enjoy and require girl time. You know the type of girlfriends that just get you. They know by one look that your husband messed up and is int he dog house. That one friend that will really lend a shoulder to cry on and will offer up a hug when you need it.

God has been revealing to me lately that in order to have friends, I need to be one.

First, I need to listen. This is an area where I am horrible. (I am going to place blame on my mom for this one.) I have always felt that if I ask a person questions, they will think I am intruding on their lives or trying to be nosy. I have since realized that most people love talking about themselves. So I have to change my thoughts to: I am not being nosy, but am trying to get to know that person.

Second, I need to SLOW DOWN. I need to give the person I am with 100% of my attention. I need to make them feel like they are the only person in the room. Checking my phone can wait. Turning to make small talk with someone else can wait. Looking around to make sure I am not missing anything fun can wait.

Third, I need to rememer that life is not all about me. If someone is mad or upset, chances are it has nothing to do with me.