New Year’s resolutions

I wouldn’t say that I hate making New Year’s resolutions. I actually really like the start of a new year. Kinda like the start of a new school year. Brand new clothes, new pencils, new notebooks, all fresh, and not written in and erased and wrinkled. I like fresh starts and new perspectives. The thing I don’t like is the failure. Setting resolutions or goals and only following them for 4-6 weeks then going back to the old habits. I recently read the Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg. It was a very fascinating and practical book. This book has even inspired me to re-evaluate my stance on making resolutions. Like now, I am actually willing to try making some and sticking with them. 

So now, what resolutions would I make? To first answer this, I need to look at myself and my life and see where I would like to improve.

Number one is my marriage: I am not very patient, kind, empathetic or loving at times. (No, really I can be downright mean, ugly and hateful. Sometimes it amazes me that my husband puts up with me and sticks around. Part of me thinks it is because we started and own a business together and he is afraid if we divorced I would get half of it. I guess he might have more of a fear of getting a divorce verses going out of town and being gone more than he is at home). The Power of Habit book in the appendix says there is a loop at the core of every habit:Cue, Routine, and reward. When Jay aggravates, does or says things that make me mad (cue), I respond with anger, sarcasm,harsh words and bad attitude with little humor (routine) and then I feel in control, big, strong, and not put down (reward).  This is the first step to creating new habits. The second step is to experiment with rewards. I could change my reward to understanding my husband, laughing and having a light spirit about myself, realizing and committing to mutual control and respect. Step three is to isolate the cue. This is a little harder for me because it seems like so many things get under my skin and piss me off. The author states “experiments have shown that almost all habitual cues fit into one of five categories:location, time, emotional state,other people,and immediately preceding action”. With that information, I tend to get annoyed more when we are at home and it is either early morning or around dinner time; I am usually tired, fixing dinner, picking kid up from practice and feeling stressed; when Savannah is around I feel the cue more, and finally the preceding action is Jay just being there. Step four is to have a plan. “When I see CUE, I will do ROUTINE in order to get a REWARD”.  When Jay comes home from work and complains that I bought the lime chips instead of the regular or I didn’t measure out exactly one pound of meat for tacos, I will take 5 deep breaths and smile and give him a hug or make a joke in order for him to feel respected and my stress level to decrease and to have a fun, upbeat family.

Wow, that was pretty enlightening to put it all out there into words and into space. Exhausting but I feel good. I have a plan and a goal. I would LOVE to do this with my parenting, friendships, business and communication. Just not tonight !!